Friday, August 21, 2009

Flat stomach, White teeth, Good hair. And a nice personality.

Not very likely. The gall bladder attacks make my stomach swell out like a big beachball made of swinehide. The GERD has de-enameled my teeth, and no amount of soaking or scrubbing is going to make my yellow-brown dentin as bright white as a TV star's. And the male pattern baldness that runs rampant in my family pretty much prevents good hair days. Especially with that big mangy patch on the left side above the ear.

Good thing I've got the physique of a Devil's Island escapee after seven years of degenerative muscle disease and the personality of your average Schizoid or I'd have nothing going for me.

What happens if you drink a quart of concrete?

Thursday, August 20, 2009

Hard soles save a lot of elevator rides.

I ride the elevator many times every day. When I hear approaching footsteps that seem to be rushing or accelerating, I presume they are hurrying to catch the elevator, so pump the open-door button until they get there. If they happened to be wearing soft-soled shoes, I'd never hear them coming. Think of the energy savings this ride-sharing is achieving. I've reduced my carbon signature so much that now I spend my weekends roaming the state forests with my chain saw, lopping branches and felling things willy-nilly.
Does that make me a bad person?