Flat stomach, White teeth, Good hair. And a nice personality.

Not very likely. The gall bladder attacks make my stomach swell out like a big beachball made of swinehide. The GERD has de-enameled my teeth, and no amount of soaking or scrubbing is going to make my yellow-brown dentin as bright white as a TV star's. And the male pattern baldness that runs rampant in my family pretty much prevents good hair days. Especially with that big mangy patch on the left side above the ear.

Good thing I've got the physique of a Devil's Island escapee after seven years of degenerative muscle disease and the personality of your average Schizoid or I'd have nothing going for me.

What happens if you drink a quart of concrete?

Hard soles save a lot of elevator rides.

I ride the elevator many times every day. When I hear approaching footsteps that seem to be rushing or accelerating, I presume they are hurrying to catch the elevator, so pump the open-door button until they get there. If they happened to be wearing soft-soled shoes, I'd never hear them coming. Think of the energy savings this ride-sharing is achieving. I've reduced my carbon signature so much that now I spend my weekends roaming the state forests with my chain saw, lopping branches and felling things willy-nilly.
Does that make me a bad person?

Blogger Is Too Spam Smart

A moment ago I tried to quote a spam-message in my blog in order to make witty MST3K-style commentary about it.

Blogger blocked the posting.

Now, I appreciate anti-spam policies as much as the next recipient of endless spam come-ons. But when the policies start preventing you from even talking about the spam, well, that strikes me as taking it one iteration too far.

But what the heck, Blogger is a free service and for my money they're entitled to set up any rules and filters they want.

Come to think of it, this gives me an easy way to find out whether any particular email is spam. Just automatically forward all my mail to my blog. Any mail that doesn't show up was a spam message Google already knows about. Only ---- how many times can I post known spam messages before Blogger concludes I, myself, am a spammer? I know now that it is more than one. But is it less than two? I don't even dare to find out.

A Math Puzzle

Given there is a word T that completes all these equations:
3x4=T
4x5=T
8+4=T
T-8=T
then .... Where are you?

Answer:
Princeton, Louisiana, where the value that is T is pronounced twe'h or twe'eh, twe'h being the lesser and twe'eh being the greater. They both sound the same to my old Yankee ears, except twe'eh has a hint of nasality at the apostrophe which you don't hear in "twe'h." A nod and a wink, no doubt, to the missing N.

At least that's the way it sounds to me, and I am known for my twe'eh-twe'eh hearing. This morning my breakfast cost me "si' dollah an' twe'h cen." I still wouldn't know for sure how much that was, except I got thirteen dollars and eighty-eight cents back from the twe'eh I paid with.

Corollary:
Any culture where one number is a homonym of another number deserves its low standardized test scores.